There are times when I reflect on my life and I think if I knew then what I know now I would have just run. I would run away from the deceptions, games and illusions which were presented to me as the package of life. For me, I have found the sense of family a very complicated situation which at times makes me anxious and agitated.
I have tried on many occasions just to go off and live my life quietly but, destiny always seems to pull me in the direction of family allowing me to relive the same hurts and disappointments over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but I do not think they “get” me.
Most of them are filled with critical opinions on how they think I should live my life, but the reality is, although they are maintaining theirs, I know, that some are not truly happy. So, how can people who are not content with their lot in life criticize mine? My journey may not be straightforward, but it is mine alone, and no two paths are the same. What may work for one person may not work for another. Life is about trial and error, hoping that with each decision made, it is the lesser of two evils, or it will yield the maximum results.
My entire life I though that if I just loved people and showed I cared, the rest would fall into place, but in my family, it never seems to be enough. They are always judging and perpetuating impossible standards and they are the only ones who actually know what the standards are all about. It is just hard to JUST BE with them. There are always directives, quagmires, twists, ploys and turns which oftentimes leaves my mind reeling out of control.
At times I wonder, “Is it just me, or do other people encounter the same scenarios within their own families?” My family can take a nice, quiet moment and turn it into a screaming of the banshees episode and I am not sure why. They may find me a task to take, but at times, I find them to be phenomenons to be unraveled because there is never any method to their madness.
I see other families smiling, talking, enjoying life as if all is right with the world and my family can put seriousness into any lighthearted situation. I refuse to believe that life is heavy, brooding and burdensome all the time. Joy and exuberance exists in life if we give them a chance.
In my younger years I used to fantasize about running away and my family would offer to help me pack. So, I realized my threats really had no impact on them whatsoever. Therefore, to appease my own urge to be proactive, I took up running and that gave me a sense of power over the situation.
Metaphorically, I guess it meant, although it was not feasible for me to actually run away, at least I could fake it for a while anyway…..
Fighting For My Life Memoir 