Control Is Not Love

It is sad to say that even as grown adults many individuals do not know the difference between genuine love and someone who is trying to manipulate and control them.

Although I am a fiercely independent woman, I must admit there were times when I fell prey to being controlled. I did not realize it was the other person’s insecurity which was wreaking havoc.

I believed by covert control the person exhibited he was showing care and concern. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact I was being played like a puppet.

The way you meet someone will always be the reasons for their insecurities. For instance, when I met my beau it was in a business setting. Although neither of us acted on the attraction for many years afterwards, it became a sore point in our relationship.

His jealousy lead him to control every area of my life. To be honest I don’t believe he wanted me to work. He just wanted me to participate in a job that kept me busy when he was busy. One that would not be too demanding or encourage me to be a high powered successful woman.

He just wanted me busy enough each day where he could account for my time during the day but not too engrossed where I was exposed to different kinds of people especially males because deep in his subconscious he believed I would meet someone the way I met him.

What he did not realize was that for me that was a fluke and a once in a lifetime occurrence. However, when it came to his exploits I soon found out he made it a habit of having liaisons with women in the industry. Perhaps his mistrust concerning me had a whole lot more to do with him not trusting himself.

I often had paranoid thoughts he was having love trysts with his secretaries and clients. But, I never let on for one minute unless I saw something out of the ordinary which did not make sense.

His jealousy and insecurity grew to the point of Othello proportions where he began controlling every area of my life; where I went, the places I worked, the charities I was allowed to participate in, even the friends I consorted with.

It was important for him to have peace of mind while he was toiling. For him that meant diminishing my world. He was not ready to make an iron clad commitment yet he did not want me gallivanting all over town or being too exposed for fear that others may find me interesting or appealing.

So while he lived his dual lifestyle of commodities broker by day and nightclub entrepreneur by night my world was spinning out of control with the limitations he had imposed.

Some women would have been driven to drink or take up illegal substances. Me, I just grew into a miserable version of myself because I felt my growth was stunted on purpose.

My career opportunities were not challenging me enough and my world had been drastically reduced because of all the crazy harassment I was experiencing. I could not very well emote to him what was going on with me because at the time I had no clue and did not realize everything was connected.

He assumed life was coming up roses because he had things handled on his end. His career was flourishing, he was busy while I was slowly disintegrating. My social circle I had been accustomed to in New York had disappeared, and although I did my best to occupy my time with golf and the minimal hours I was allowed to work; for me, it was not enough and I knew I was caught up between a rock and a hard place.

If only I had been savvy enough to figure it all out at the time it was happening. He wanted to control me by keeping me under his thumb. I could neither excel in my career nor personal undertakings unless he ratified it.

So basically I had warped into an underachiever as long as my schedule was congruent with his when he was trying to conquer the world. There were days when I blamed myself for not being more astute or paying attention to the signs of manipulation or control. In the grand scheme of things there was nothing I could have done because it was all behind the scenes and in his world money exchanged between the right parties buys a whole lot of power and authority.

The good news is, once I figured everything out and became more aware I was able to extricate myself from all of his shenanigans. Oddly enough, he tried to make me appear as if I was a raving, paranoid lunatic trying to make much ado about nothing.

But, I did not care he had stalled my career and personal life long enough. As far as I was concerned, no one gets to tie up my life without giving me a title of “Wife” for all my aggravation.