The Politics Of My Life

As we mature in life and begin reviewing what we have accomplished, the people we meet and the lives we lived, there are times when we encounter some bizarre truths.

For me, it has been the sense of weirdness where the people I met along the way were not what they seemed and despite the effort which was shown, at the end of the day it did not amount to a hill of beans.

I learned most people are temporary. They are only wrapped up into you for the moment they may feel lonely, restless or out of sorts. Once their void is filled they are off to living whatever dysfunctional life they are most comfortable with.

I am not just referring to strangers, I am also referring to friends and family members. Many will come on like gangbusters exclaiming they want to get to know me or be more inclusive but at the end of the day it is all malarkey.

At the time they were saying all the mushy things, they needed my company to get them through rough patches in their lives. Once they crossed over into more familiar territory it was Hasta Luego and most don’t look back.

It took me a long while to decipher what was really going on in my life. After chastising myself thoroughly for allowing people to misuse me I finally had my eureka moment where I became hip to their game.

A good percentage were curious about me and wanted me around just as long as I did not over impose myself or disrupt their thunder. If I was comfortable enough staying in the background where they did not have to explain me then all was right with their world.

I also pondered why would anyone feel the need to “explain me” since I was never an illegitimate child from some forbidden love tryst. Nor was a I a scandalous person in need of being in obscurity. I may be a bit high strung from time to time but who isn’t these days with all the chicanery and hooliganism going on?

Then it dawned on me that I had not grown past the whispers and the imposed shame of being the girl/woman with the crazy biological mother. It has been a sash I have been wearing for most of my life.

It is the transparent dossier which permits people to think, “I wonder if she is nutty too?” When I do act a little obtuse they are only too glad to write me off as wayward.

Yet, despite all of their suspicious glares I never thought of myself as off my rockers or felt tainted by my biological mother’s mental experience. The truth be told, most people are whacky and don’t even know it.

The ones who are brave take their medication and keep on going as if all is right with the world. I may have missed out on a whole lot of mothering and fathering but I was smart enough to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

However people still looked on at me disapprovingly because they believed I lacked “something”. It would be the reasons for them assuming they were better than me or trying to make me feel conspicuous about myself.

The fact is, I was never bothered by my short comings. I had dealt with the hurts and put them away in a tiny trinket box.

The way my circle felt about me would become apparent in the invitations they extended. They would invite me just for etiquette sake but honestly they really never expected me to attend any of their social functions.

Therefore when I did attend, because at the time I felt our relationship was all sunshine and roses, I often endured rude awakenings and found out the way I felt about them was not reciprocated.

Once I sifted through every relationship in my life and analyzed their actions and motives, it then became quite clear to me how I would deal with each of them going forward.

Thank goodness for them, some decided to fall off the face of the earth and others may have sensed my reluctance to deal with their insincerity. At that point I no longer cared because it was obvious I was living in a world which did not exist.

I had presumed when people communicated through good conversations  and shared some of the same interests, friends and DNA it was a meaningful connection. I soon found out although I had been teased as being very cosmopolitan, it would only apply to my penchant for fashion, culture and living. When it came to friendships I was old school and most folks are just fake.

Part of being able to endure city living is to be as fake as the people you associate with. Make promises, and never keep them. Say things you really don’t mean, because at the time it matched the moment or a mood.

In every metropolis people connect with people they really don’t like if they feel it can get them one rung higher on the hierarchy of life or put them in the audience of the right people.

Once you understand the dynamics and politics of the game you can choose to hang in there or omit yourself gracefully. I chose the latter.

As far as I am concerned life is too short to play games or to pretend I like certain people when I know they do not care for me at all. In order to savor the good memories I go peaceably about my own business wishing them well and choosing to decline their invites because I know it is just another ploy to make me feel out of sorts.

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