Marrying Right

Every person has his/her own idea regarding what he/she wants their marriage to look like. Some want traditional marriages, others not so much. These are the ones who create an illusion which they label for all intense purposes, and call it a “marriage”.

Most of us on the outside looking in know it is anything but a marriage because at the end of the day anything goes.

Over the years I have dealt with so much flack for not taking the plunge but for me there are so many factors to consider. One thing I cannot deal with is a cheap mate or some one who is going to impose rations in our household as if I am living in the DDR.

I previously wrote in my blog about a guy I once dated who kept tabs on my beauty regiment. He documented how much I spent and if that was not bad enough he began keeping tabs on how much I ate. Mind you, I paid for all my beauty treatments and always brought my own food whenever I went to visit.

I later found out he secretly desired for me to help him out with his children he had fathered with three different women. But here’s the thing, we were not married and by the time we met his children were almost past the age of eighteen.

Needless to say, the relationship was short lived because he had already carved out his family and was not open to any other possibilities. He basically saw our union as me being a means to finance his family.

From that time on I vowed I would never get myself into any situation where the other party was exacting or too rigid when it came to finances. I am not a spendthrift and I am well aware of the value of a dollar therefore I highly resent when a partner of mine imposes quotas, embargos or sanctions on anything I do.

I do not take liberties with my mate’s finances therefore when I am spending, it is usually my own funds. I don’t mind sharing what I have but he cannot be a miser with the purse strings either. I will only share if he is willing to do the same.

The older I get and I watch marriages fall apart due to money debates I have come to the reality that maybe it is best to keep everything separate. Oftentimes when women marry and give their mates complete control over their finances, they give away their power and independence.

I believe a marriage can only be wholesome when two people feel equally empowered. No one is the boss of the other.

On a regular basis I hear little quips from my family about me remaining on the sidelines about the whole marriage thing. Some days I am buggered by it and then there are days when I hear stories like the one I am about to tell which makes me overjoyed regarding being persnickety when it came to a life partner.

Recently a cousin of mine got married. She had a big shindig at a really swanky country club in the suburbs and all you could hear everyone gushing about was how minted her new husband was.

Before the marriage he had encouraged my cousin to sell the condominium that her and her daughter were living in. He then surprised her with a 8 bedroom mini-mansion as a pre-wedding present.

He figured, after they were married his five children would come to live with them. So basically the kids would each have a bedroom, there would be the master bedroom and one room for guests.

Right after the wedding his children moved in with her and her son and their father, within a two week period it all began to go down hill rather rapidly. All of a sudden he went from being Mr. Generosity to her having to pay for her and her daughter’s expenses such as clothes, food and other incidentals while he took care of all his children’s needs.

Needless to say, she was shocked beyond belief. Although he had bragged about buying the house for her it turned out she would have to pay half of the mortgage as well as the other expenses which was vastly different from their pre-wedding conversation.

At which point she became quite upset because she would have been fine living in her 3 bedroom condominium without all the additional baggage. Not only was she adjusting to the role of having a larger family but he placed more financial burdens upon her instead of alleviating them.

On her own she was doing fine with her daughter and had even managed to save up a sizeable nest egg for the daughter’s college tuition. Within three months of her marriage the funds were all spent due to incidentals for his children and other outrageous requests he made.

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back occurred when he insisted her parents pay to stay at the house when they came to visit. They also had to bring their own food.

My cousin was willing to go along with the crazy ride when he imposed all the other expenses. Even when he was so calculating enough to separate the children’s expenses into mine and yours, but she was not willing to go along with his disrespect of her parents. Especially after they had spent thousandths of dollars to give her a beautiful, dream wedding.

So, by the fourth month after their nuptials she bid him adieu. While wooing her he had painted such a lovely picture of wanting to make her life better and committed himself to helping her raise her daughter.

Instead she felt like a single parent raising her child amidst a dictator and his family. With each luxury he added to their lives she felt caught up in a never ending spending spree. The union was not going to enhance her life one bit. She realized it would only bring her tremendous financial stress.

In other words, it was not at all what she expected. The most frustrating part was the fact they had lived together before the marriage so she pretty much felt she knew what to expect. Boy, was she ever wrong!

In situations like this I try not to gloat because I know it will not go over well. However, I feel empowered regarding my way of thinking because there is no way in Helsinki I am going to walk down the aisle with someone before getting all his delightful promises in writing. This is the reason why they have Pre-nups.

I am not a big fan of relationship surprises. There is no way I am going to the chapel with a whole bunch of sugar coated dreams and caviar wishes and nothing in writing to back it up.

When women love, they love with their hearts, souls and finances. When men love they love to a point and while they are whispering sweet nothings in our ears, they are also crossing their fingers and gluing their wallets to the inside of their jacket pockets.

A wise woman knows take everything they say with a grain of salt until they commit it to paper.