My perception of myself is one who is nice, principled, serious, funny and at times awkward. In early adulthood since I had no frame of reference regarding how the world worked and how people are, I found myself defending my rights and honor all the time. Almost to the point where I was agitated on a constant basis and would end up in cussing mode while wearing a stern grimace as a result.
It wasn’t that I was perennially angry, I was just buggered and frustrated from folks crowding my space and not allowing me to live my life peacefully. When you are being constantly harassed it is difficult to navigate the world with a smile.
As a result, folks would call me sour or screw face. At first I thought they were just joking but then I realized they were actually making a big deal out of my frustrating life situations.
All they saw were stern grimaces yet they never bothered to ask what had caused me to become so upset. If a person is in pain or being tortured the chances of them being a ray of sunshine even half of the times is next to nil.
Therefore, unless you were living my life only then would you truly understand the magnitude of my challenges. As I matured I came to terms with many truths. I realized the issues I was undergoing were as a result of my adoption.
Adults had not been forthright with me and there were many secrets that would eventually be revealed to me which were unfavorable. So, essentially I realized my whole life was built on fables and the harassment I was experiencing were a result of all the trumped up stories I had been told.
Moving to Florida in some ways proved to be enlightening for me and it helped me to create a more positive sense of self minus my family. The revelations proved devastating and really rocked my world. Since I had been working on creating the best life for myself sans the shadows of my relatives I was made aware that the stories which were coming forth had no power to harm me. I was no longer the little six year old whose fate was callously decided by adults.
For me, developing a sense of self and maturing gave me a new perspective on life. I then knew it wasn’t anything I was doing or not doing that had created such drama in my life. The drama was based on selfish acts of adults who did not care two fiddlesticks how events would greatly affect my life.
Once I came to terms with the hand I had been dealt, I realized it was up to me to look out for me and have my own back. I had been sold out by my own family. Therefore, I had to get some moxie and handle it.
All of the unfavorable events I have experienced have made me put all things in perspective which has caused me to age like champagne….Effervescing with knowledge, and although champagne may not seem intoxicating, when you least expect it, it surprises you.
As I reflect on my youth up until now I have taken note I have changed tremendously. Everything is no longer a big deal because I have frame of references to guide me. I also know that most individuals in the world are not nice so don’t expect them to be.
With that mind set and feeling self assured I navigate the world expecting the BS. There are days when I shrug off all the shenanigans with a smile or there are days when I will take people to task for being uncooperative or unkind.
Experience has taught me that most of the times when folks are being difficult they are vying for a show down or craving attention. If I play into it, they win. If I don’t, then they have no choice but to acquiesce and get on with the matter of being a decent human being.
There are days when southern charm does work wonders because I will saturate the most thorny individuals with kindness and even when they persist on being thorns I will ask the lord to bless their hearts and walk away with a Big Smile on my face.
Fighting For My Life Memoir 