What It Takes To Be Parents

Despite my turbulent relationship with my adoptive parents I have not been completely insensitive to the reasons why they are the way they are. I just feel they were ill equipped to deal with me as a child.

Over the years I have reflected on the both of them as individuals to try to understand why our relationship has been so difficult when it had a beautiful start. As I looked at my adoptive mother’s life as an adult and as one who had holistic health training I have come to the conclusion she has endured very sinister events of which she had to deal with in her life.

In our relationship she was always ambivalent to forgive or to discuss any subject in a calm, civil manner. It was either screaming or her way or the highway. She would not even want to hear my thoughts or ideas regarding a subject. She felt she was always right without knowing the facts.

I began to realize a person only gets to be so closed off because they were hurt or betrayed in the most unimaginable ways making it difficult for them to trust anyone.

I had often suspected that she may have been molested as a child or experienced a very traumatizing event. Whatever it was, it severely impaired her ability to show genuine love and concern.

Even the gentleness and understanding a mother should have seemed lacking. Don’t get me wrong, she would be thoughtful and perform thoughtful deeds but to actually go all out on a limb as mothers so often do, I never felt her commitment to me in that way.

One day as we sat reviewing old family photos she had pointed out someone in an old photograph (a male figure), exclaiming that it was as if the individual had two personalities, one which was good and the other evil.

As she talked about the evil, I could sense her voice cracking and tears welling in her eyes. I tried not to pry so I would not upset her further but I must admit the interaction has haunted me for many years.

In my mind I truly believe no one is born mean or bitchy. There are events which occur in their lives which have made them that way and they lash out at others to hide the hurt and emotional pain they have been cleverly hiding for years.

I also know that during her marriage to my adoptive father it has not been easy, since he has often pushed the gambling envelope but he has also put her on a pedestal and made sure she has never lacked any good thing.

However, when people have emotional scars from childhood and they are faced with relationships and marriages which challenge them they tend to become completely closed off as a way of protecting themselves.

This is my adoptive mother to a tee. She just has her ideas, perceptions and feelings and is rarely willing to deviate from her thought patterns because she will not let herself do so.

My adoptive father on the other hand is a serious person but he is also a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. For most of their marriage he has felt pressured to make sure she is happy and never has any complaints because her family is a constant watchdog community.

Over the years he was threatened that if she ever shed a tear because of him well they were going to take care of him in no uncertain terms. So, although he may have been fond of me and wanted to give me a good life his efforts were often marred by his allegiance to her because her family was observing every step.

Sometimes I believed he took the vows he made to her father too seriously and was willing to have her and her family ill treat me as a result. There comes a time when parents have to grow up and realize their children come first despite acts which were made eons ago.

When couples decided to have children whether through natural means or adoption they truly have to soul search and ask themselves if they are up to the task. Children do not understand family politics, or how to play the game of life.

The love affair you have with one another is placed on hold until your child or children are no longer dependent on your constant attention. So many married couples do not grasp this concept and make their children feel as if they are capable of bringing rifts or jeopardizing their marriage.

If your marriage is bad from the beginning it will only get worse when kids are brought into the mix.

Children just want to be guided, taught wrong from right and given gentle persuasion. They do not benefit from parents who sit on the guidelines watching them fail miserably and then laughing with the spectators exclaiming what a nimrod they are.

Oftentimes it appears to me this is what my adoptive parents do. They will side with anyone bearing negative remarks about me not thinking that it also reflects upon them. They are the type of people who like perfection. As long as you stay within the lines and don’t rock the boat they will love you.

If you  challenge the status quo and make a ruckus they look at you as embarrassing and would rather not be associated. In other words, they prefer to tolerate you from a far. I was the child who was in need of gentle understanding and patience.

The more stern and austere they became with me the more I began to develop unimaginable anxieties and phobias. I was basically a good kid. I had no interest in drugs or to be truant. The only thing I was guilty of is having a huge, loving heart. I fell in love and like quite easily.

But even still as I grew older and began dating, I had a handle on my heart and only took calculated risks. I often felt my adoptive parents were in panic mode all the time that I would become barefeet and pregnant by a no good punk. However, I was much smarter than they gave me credit for. Although I have made mistakes I still keep my eyes on the prize.

Parents’ jobs are not to judge their children or write them off. From day one their job is to be advisors, guiders and navigators. If children are taught the basic principles of  ethics, morals and values their work is half done. The rest of the time they spend watching them grow and counseling them to do things better, not laugh and criticize how deficient they are in certain areas.

We are all humans and we all have strong suits and weaknesses. It is our parents’ jobs to assess our weaknesses and show how we can use them better to serve us or to work through them.

During my life I felt my adoptive  parents have dealt with me like a prize dolly. You know, the doll that you adorn and show off until the doll gets a blemish or starts to look shabby and we hide it away.

In their world if you were not readimade, up and running the way they liked then you were just too much work and commitment and they were not up for the task.

Sometimes couples who are too into each other do not make the best of parents because there will come a time when they have to choose between being good parents and being partners. If they are not able to compartmentalize there is going to be bacchanal in the household when objectivity is missing.

My adoptive parents, Mickey & Minnie are good at the fantasy of Disney world, New York but they are too cool to be feelings people. If they ever  had to roll up their sleeves and really get into the hard work of being parents they would have automatically deemed me as being troublesome.

No one wants that label. So for the most part I did things my way, made mistakes and learned. Yet, they would never admit that their lack of counseling had anything to do with the errors of my ways.