#THISISWHATITFEELSLIKE
In my estimation there aren’t enough laws which protect women and men against their former abusers. No one can understand the effects of physical abuse until you have experienced it first hand.
Even when it is over, it is never over for the abused because you are constantly looking over your shoulders. The abusers have a way of altering their personalities with grand doses of remorse and charm only to get back in to your good graces to finish you off.
My abuser was my first infatuation who wailed on me day and night because I would not give in to his intimate advances. People will tell you to just leave, but when your family was not understanding of you before your world became chaotic, you seriously felt they would blame you for everything.
Back then, individuals were not as vocal regarding their tribulations with domestic violence. By the time I was 22 years old I had learned the art of covering up my bruises with make up.
I tried to tell friends and certain family members but they patronized me by suggesting I had asked for it because I was living in sin by “shacking up”. They had forgotten our living situation was not developed out of love but out of necessity.
I spent most nights plugging the draining of my own blood because he had ripped apart pieces of me in his drunken tirade.
It has been many moons since my ordeal. I have no doubt it has tainted my view on love relationships. But the one thing I do not get is why does anyone give these abusers the opportunity to defame their victims?
To me they should not get a voice in anything until they make recompense for all their transgressions.
Habitual abusers are known for being affable and charming. Yet behind closed doors they are Chuckies on crack. Even after abusing me physically and emotionally my abuser still wanted to be in my life and used every trick in the book to accomplish being able to have his cake and eat it too.
I truly believe the break-in I experienced at the apartment we shared may have been instigated by him. Right after I moved back home, he began showing up at places I frequented unannounced, including my places of business and other social events.
Despite his best efforts, I was not scared, timid and waif-like. I knew that I was not going to allow him to terrorize my life. I enlisted in all the martial arts classes I could find because I wanted to make sure the next time he thought about stepping towards me it would not bode well for him.
Once I worked on being capable I never thought of him hampering my life again. Although statistics do show, abusers never give up. There is always that threat they could try to weasel back into your life under false pretenses and that is precisely what my alcoholic ex did.
Over the years he has unleashed his brand of BS through individuals who I thought were my friends. Instead he was working through them like gnats but thankfully, God was on my side.
Today I never take anything for granted and at the slightest feeling of discomfort or a twinge of my intuition…..I abscond the situation because he could very well be lurking in dark corners.
I feel there are not enough effective practices and laws to protect women against past abusers. Long after the physical pain has subsided and scars have healed, the abused still experience nightmares and anxiety. I have not slept through the night in 30 years.
So, my nightmare has continued long after he has gone on with his life. To add insult to injury he has never had one kind word to say about me despite the fact I am the person who made his world….I gave him a life.
I never got the lesson back then but I get it now….Damaged people, damage people. I was always trying to build up and rehabilitate.
His father was an alcoholic and abuser, therefore he was just carrying on the family legacy and I was just the unfortunate recipient.
Fighting For My Life Memoir 