The Adult Custody Battle

There are many of my critics who have wondered why I chose this particular time in my life to gripe about all the hurtful and unjust circumstances which occurred in my childhood as a result of my family life coming to an abrupt end.

Although I believed I had dealt with the emotional upheaval and sadness which occurred, I kept being brought back into circumstances where I had to revisit the issue of my biological mother’s breakdown and the reasons why my biological father callously extricated himself from the whole matter.

The truth is, both reacted to the dire circumstances unfavorably because they were not mature enough. My biological mother was approximately 17 when she conceived me and married my father. My biological father was about 21 years old.

My biological mother was straight out of Secondary School. My biological father had been working for a few years as a promising accountant for a worldwide financial conglomerate as well as being active in the military.

I believe my biological mother became ill because she could not handle the daily pressures of instantly going from living at home with her parents to becoming a  working wife and mother.

The events which contributed to the demise of their marriage was unforeseen and I am sure neither wanted to see it come to a horrific demise. But, it did.

The part which has basically sent shock waves over the years is the way the matter was dealt with. Once my biological mother became ill and the doctors declared it was a long, and difficult road towards her recovery my father made the decision to file for divorce.

The fact he served her with the divorce papers while she was still hospitalized may not have been the most considerate thing to do, but I can only attribute it to panic and immaturity.

He was being bullied by my biological mother’s family because they blamed him for her illness. The bullying caused him to lose jobs over the years, and so he found himself at about 25 years old to be a jobless accountant with very few prospects because his name had been sullied.

My biological mother had gone to her family with tales of him cheating with women outside of the family and inside of the family. She also suggested he was part of some secret cult where he was using his powers to drive her meshugge.

Anyroads, my eldest aunt quickly sprang into action taking over my mother’s affairs. At which time she decided to divest of the house we lived in and all its possessions. She never consulted with either of my parents how the items should have been distributed and so most of my childhood memories just disappeared along with the life my biological parents’ had built.

Back then, my father was so consumed with his career and being able to take care of me that he realized it was an impossible feat with the circumstances he had been dealt. So without questioning any of the underhanded tactics he just left Jamaica and went to Germany to rebuild his career.

There he made some powerful and invaluable contacts which allowed him to branch off into tourism and create a mini-empire. I guess after much introspection on both my biological parents’ part they both realized over the years they had been short changed.

During my adoption my biological mother was given lots of thought and consideration and that was one of the reasons why my adoption was an open one. It was because they felt it was necessary for her well being to still feel connected to me somehow.

However, when it came to my biological father his rights were not thought of and they basically made him appear as if he were a monster who would cause me grave harm. They did not want him to see me because the story I was told was that he would try to kidnap and hurt me.

Now that I am older I realize there were some theatrics at play to ensure the agenda which was rolled out. The reason why I feel this way is because in between his trips to Europe he would often try to visit with me.

He would take me out for dessert and buy me books and vitamins to ensure my health and well being. If he had wanted to abscond with me back then, he had the opportunity to do so, but he never did.

He was eventually scared off by goons my aunt had hired to keep him out of my life. So after age 8 his calls stopped coming, his birthday cards ceased, and he never visited with me again.

As a matter of fact, I cannot remember him telling me one bad thing about my biological mother’s family. Now that everyone has had the time to simmer on the events of the past my biological father has come to the conclusion he was not given the same respect and visitation rights my biological mother was offered.

Therefore, after my adoptive parents began acting less than stellar he started assessing the situation in his own analytical way and came to the conclusion that the whole due process of my adoption was not done correctly.

His eureka moment has lead to a sort of custody battle between my adoptive parents and my biological parents so in my middle ages I find myself ensconced in a bit of a tug-of-war.

The unfolding of events has taught me one lesson and that is to always conduct important matters in the right and appropriate way. Because if you do not, loose ends will surely creep up and bite you in the arse.

It is a contention I have endured with my adoptive parents and biological family over the years. My displeasure with them is not the fact they chose to take on my adoptive mother’s niece and grand niece treating them as if they were their children, it is the way they went about doing it.

Whether or not they realize it, they have caused me great psychological harm by making me feel threatened, insecure and as if my place in society and life could be taken by anyone at any point in time. They inadvertently messed with my sense of well being and security which is what they vowed to give me.

If they had come to me in a decent, loving manner and said, “Hey, we decided to adopt these two girls and nothing will change because you are our first and we still love you.” My outlook would have been completely different.

But they decided to play the whole heir and spare game just in case either one of their charges turned out to be unsatisfactory or a dud. They would keep me waiting in the wings just in case their hand picked selections did not go over well with the local gentry or other family members.

Meanwhile, I was being fed bits and pieces of tiny gossip over the years by my closest family members informing me that my adoptive parents believed my adoption to be a mistake. This revelation was said to be the reason those girls came to live with us. I then became painfully aware a plan was being implemented to oust me permanently.

My adoptive parents would tell me the reason they came to take up residence in the house was because they were going through difficult financial times and she and my adoptive father were going to help them out. Well, it has been more than 35 years and I do believe they can put that story to rest.

How do you think any child would react given the information I was by family members especially knowing the child had experienced emotional trauma? I believe it set me up to be distrusting of people and to develop a defensive attitude. I developed a sense of uncertainty about people especially family members.

I had no one fighting for me telling my adoptive parents they were wrong and that they owed me honesty and sincerity in their dealings with me. Everything was done in an underhanded and covert manner.

As a result, they have caused my identity to be questioned and my place in the world has turned into a helter-skelter status because nothing was done correctly.

My biological father is a smart person and once he got a whiff of all the shenanigans he decided it was time to question every minute detail surrounding my adoption. So, in my middle ages I am living the life of a child who has to be split between two different sets of parents.

Let me tell you, it was not fun when I was a young girl, and it is even more grueling and unsettling as an adult. All I ever wanted to do was to go forward with my own life and try to heal the past by creating my own family and doing things much better than my parents did.

But, somehow I am paying for the mistakes adults made and the drama of my formative years seem to follow me at all stages of living.