It is strange how when people are given the chance to laud another person or tear them down most usually choose the latter. As a woman who attended an all-girls’ convent school, I pride myself on being the type of woman who seeks to empower other women.
Yet, I have found in my life no matter how agreeable or nice I am there are some women who will never take “tea” with me. Growing up I never had issues making friends or consorting with other girls my age.
However, when I came to America I found that women are strange, persnickety creatures. Their changeability affected me so much that when people would ask me about dating a man with sisters I winced at the thought.
Perhaps if I had been asked the question when I was in Prep School I would have thought differently since my crush at the time had a sister and we got along famously.
As a matter of fact, I became acquainted with my crush because his sister and I were besties. We were close in age and did almost every activity together.
My previous best friend had returned to Canada, therefore when she left, a void was in my life, and then I met my crush’s sister. Although the relationship was strictly a telephone and school scenario we all remained friends until I was well into my early twenties.
Both had married and so our juvenile friendship sort of died a natural death after a period of time. But, I can honestly say there was never any drama and his sister was a true friend.
She would spill all the tea that was going on behind my back and she would often look out for me to make sure no other shiksa was making off with my phone buddy.
As time marched on, my crush’s cousin expressed that he had developed feelings for me. We dated briefly until his mother put the kibosh on the relationship stating that I look like a “ginnal”.
I did not know that his mother was behind him ghosting me. He just stopped calling and visiting. When my ex-crush and his sister came to visit America they told me the deal.
I was so young at the time I could not fathom how anyone could make such an assumption. He was my real first beau and the relationship was very innocent. I believe his mother was clutching at straws as her son would have more likely corrupted me than I would him.
A year or so later, I met a boy in college. After a period of dating, I found out he had a sister. The matter did not worry me any as his mother had gone to my old alma mater so I thought the sister would have been super cool and a nice person.
My wishful thinking proved to be a tall order since that whole family was riddled with dysfunction. Whenever I visited the mother would spend most of her time talking disdainfully about her daughter and her son.
She hated the man her daughter was shacked up with as she had deemed him “too black”. On every occasion, she talked to me about the coupling. She was obsessed with going to a Santera to break up the relationship.
She would say things like, “A friend of mine told me that if you take a grapefruit and write the person she is dating name on it and throw it in the ocean that should end the relationship.”
I would sit and listen diligently but I also thought that she would also try to get rid of me if I displeased her. It seems as if I was correct because only months later her jealousy towards me began debuting in all its ugly colors.
I met my then beau’s sister only on a few occasions. It would either be at a gala for Alpha alumni, mother’s day dinners, or on rare impromptu events.
She would seem nice enough but I soon became privy to the fact that she and the mother were talking about me behind my back. There was so much hypocrisy going on it was frightening.
I was so sweet, nice, and thoughtful and those two women were constantly plotting against me. They enjoyed putting ideas into my beau’s mind by telling him to look up his old girlfriends because they preferred them much better than me.
It often felt that no matter what I did I could never win with them. Eventually, he too realized that they were not nice at all to me. So it was an easy decision for him to move out and take up residence with me.
The mother had cursed me out in a horrible manner when she thought that the fur coat and expensive booties I received as a Christmas present was paid for by her son.
In her mind, she felt he was helping me out financially when it was the other way around. Since she viewed her son as her meal ticket any person who got in the way would have been a problem after a while.
This woman became my worst nightmare as she took my personal things and tried to work her brand of obeah on them. When he and I lived together she began inviting him over in a stealth manner, but that was because she was working her evil to turn him against me.
He would return home with the devil in his eyes as if he wanted to rip me to shreds. Things got so bad that a friend of mine recommended I talk to a spiritualist. The person told me that they had fixed him to kill me.
If I did not have a granny who taught me how to protect myself from evil forces I would not be here today as he tried to strangle me with a 200-pound barbell.
After this episode, I vowed I never wanted to date anyone with a sibling. As a matter of fact, I hoped that my next beau did not have parents or siblings because I was done with all the drama.
Years later, when my next boyfriend came along he never spoke of his mother or siblings so I thought, “Great maybe this time I lucked out.”
Well, that was a pipe dream. A few years into our relationship he told me that he had bought his mother a house and that he was responsible for all her bills, etc.
It did not bother me in the least bit as it would some women because I was an independent woman. However, I noticed that when it came to dividing time equally between his mother and me it became major histrionics.
Then there was also the fact that for some reason he did not want his mother and me to meet. I also became privy to the fact he had two sisters who he also paid their bills and took care of their children.
It was then I began having a “wow” moment. My parents often tutored me that a man who puts his family before you when you are married is going to create bacchanal in the marriage.
The revelation caused me to ponder the fact that if our relationship leads to marriage there would be nothing left for my children and I would be supporting them all by myself since he had so many charges to take care of.
This is why he conveniently did not want kids because he had to support mamma and the rest of the fam. Therefore from the beginning, he put me in a no-win situation as his family would always wonder what it is I want.
A woman in my position would be seen as a threat. Although I never met his family, I heard many times through the grapevine that I am not their favorite person.
I found it unbelievable because him being a mamma’s boy and all I wondered how long he could keep up the charade of loving two masters. So, I could not resist the urge to consult with a sage.
She told me he had a sister with fiery red hair who despised me and that is why he was finding it difficult to commit to me. Mind you I had never met any of his family but just the notion of me sent all their minds reeling with jealousy and envy.
On holidays even though I was never invited to any of their soirees I would send treats for his nieces and nephews. Ultimately they won because he could not stand up to them.
As you may have guessed, I am not a fan of the parents and family of the men I date. I try my best to fit in and be all I can be but at the end of the day, it is a lesson in futility.
I would like to think that my boy-friends loved me so much that it was difficult for the mothers to fathom. But, the persona they showed me gave me conflicting messages so who really knows for sure.
I just decided that there was something about me that made them hateful and truthfully I really did not want to know. I just felt that love and personal interactions should not be so difficult.
I have experienced years of toxicity with my family and they would say they were motivated by love. With people, I do not know I cannot even take the chance for them to hurt me.
My granny often told me, “What goes bad at morning cannot go good at evening.” Therefore if I am dating someone and get weird family vibes, I am audi pronto.
My experiences have taught me there is no need for explanations and to honor my intuition when things feel weird. I also came to the awareness that perhaps nothing is wrong with me.
My biological mother had issues with her in-laws from day one. My biological father’s mum did not like her one bit but she pretended well and his two sisters only cozied up to her so they could get gifts.
My two aunts on my biological father’s side never ever took any time to know me or even to act like they were my aunts. I can only assume their hatred for my biological mother spilled over unto me.
This is the number one reason why I would never marry anyone whose family is not for me. They would work like gnats behind my back to overthrow me. God forbid if I adopted children they would never like them either because they are mine.
I have come to the conclusion that sometimes we inherit certain conditions from our parents. One of mine is the fact that I will encounter challenges when dealing with my mate’s family.
Ginnal- Jamaican word for trickster, phoney or fake person.
Fighting For My Life Memoir 