Go-Getter

Jealousy is a terrible disease as it causes people to be unnecessarily cruel, bitchy, spiteful and mean. My entire life I have been plagued by offensive criticism. It did not matter if I was a triathlete, worked twelve different jobs and tried to end world hunger. Every chance the penny section got they barraged my soul with negative remarks about me and it was usually that I am lazy.

Mind you before I had my accident, I walked 10 miles each way to work daily. I would then work eight grueling hours, go to the gym after work, and when I returned home I would make dinner and tidy up after myself. Not to mention if my friends wanted to get together then I would do all these things while bleaching.

I spent most of my young years baffled by the local gentry’s despicable comments about me. Then I found out that I was being compared to my cousin A. My eldest aunt’s daughter, my cousin A whom I grew up with has been coddled all her life. Since she ended up being an only child by default (her brother passed away tragically) my aunt and her husband tended to overcompensate in her life.

Although she is an accomplished podiatrist, she hated the political game that was played to get on in the field. Despite several offers from her peers, she never found it prudent to practice unless it was within her terms. When she married and had children the family felt that she would rise to the occasion and be more of a active person.

For all the years I have known my cousin she has only held one or two jobs for short periods of time. She met her current husband while working for a notable bank. Any roads, the family felt once she was married her sense of being catered to would diminish. My aunt Lucille used to say, that my cousin’s mother did everything for her except date and romance her boyfriends.

Meanwhile, although the penny section was calling me all sorts of names and suggesting I was lazy, they also felt I did not rely on anyone to do anything for me. So it was like these critics were sort of schizoid. On on hand, if I took the initiative I was too all about town, on the other hand if I laid back and took advantage of help I was deemed lazy like my cousin A.

Once my cousin married and had children it was a whole new level of avoidance. She would barely want to leave the house because she feared there were too many germs out there. You could not visit the home without dashing in quickly to avoid the cold air from taking over the children. This went on for years where she could not do anything or go anywhere because of “the children”.

Even now when they are in their twenties she is still using the same excuse. The reason I am rehashing all these events is because I have walked the walk and talked the talk and still I get no respect.

When I lived in Florida, in January of 2000, I had major trauma due to my SUV rolling over. If I was such a lazy person as some people have tried to discredit me, I would have laid up in the bed all day every day. I was taken to the hospital because I had a head injury, a dislocated hip, neck injuries and spine issues. They were also worried about my spleen.

They ran all sorts of tests and after a while I just could not take anymore. My aloneness made me anxious and I began functioning on pure adrenaline. I called a taxi and checked myself out of the hospital. At the time I truly felt my injuries were not that severe, until I woke up the next morning in chronic pain. I could barely move but since I was new to Florida I had to muster up all the nerve and courage to make it to my temporary job at a financial company.

Luckily for me, the workers had heard about my misfortune and noticed I was barely trudging through. They sent me home. Shortly thereafter, my insurance company approved me for physical therapy and rehabilitation. For the first few weeks of my illness I had no one catering to me or helping me with any of my basic needs.

The insurance company offered for me to have household help but in grand paranoid fashion I refused because I was not in karate mode just in case anyone acted off kilter. I felt why tempt fate?

My Godfather offered to fly from New York to Tampa to assist me or send help. I did not want strangers milling about my apartment in my condition and he was a man and so I did not feel comfortable about it. Even my beau remained business as usual and did not even think to come and see about me. Not even my family thought that much of me to worry about my basic needs.

If I asked for money it was always a hassle so I just handled matters as best as I could. This meant I ordered out food a lot because I could barely stand to even boil water. Nonetheless, I got up every morning as if were going to work, got dressed and drove myself to therapy and when I returned I would prop myself up on the couch so that my bones would not cease up on me. That is what happens when one stays in the bed all day after an injury.

The pain meds were the real kicker as they made me more fatigued all the time and when I did fall asleep I woke up feeling delirious. My biological father and stepmom offered to come by and see me but I told them not to bother because I knew they had their hands filled with my sisters and the business.

I did not know that the accident was a hit placed on me to put an end to me in my wonderful family. They had someone else in mind to take my place. It wasn’t until I had replaced my totaled SUV and bought another one that I verified I had become a target.

About months after my near death accident while returning from therapy someone flipped the signs on the street I normally drive through turning it into a one way street. It was then a teenage boy and his father ran into my new SUV totaling it. Luckily for me, the sheriff department was answering a call within the area and showed up pronto without me having to phone them.

Again, I could have used the second accident as a means to shut down completely from life and not even attempt to make any efforts for my recovery. But I could not. So much was riding on me moving to Tampa and making a fresh start that even if I was a 100% on the richter scale of pain I was determined to take my meds and soldier on.

To add insult to injury, it was during the testing of my second set of injuries that I was found to have an enlarged liver. Everyone felt it was quite serious as my body had become toxic and I was plagued by bouts of Hepatomegaly. (perennial itching)

I consulted with so many specialists and their assessment was grim. In turn, I became tired of being poked and prodded so I resorted to seeing a medical intuitive. It was after this consultation that I took matters in my own hands.

Every morning like clockwork I got up went to my chiropractor, then to physical therapy and then to the rehabilitation facility. When I felt I was not being healed fast enough I began exploring alternative measures and that is when I found rolfing. My whole life changed once I began getting treatments.

In rolfing, they try to recreate the birthing process because sometimes people take a while to heal because they are dealing with certain traumas that occurred at their birth or while in the womb. For me, it turned out to be both. Therefore in essence, I was reborn again in Tampa.

Rolfing proved beneficial to me and even today I still use it in my life when my pain becomes insurmountable. My point for this long soliloquy is the fact that if I was such a lazy scion, the accidents would have been the perfect excuse for me to give up on life and completely zone out.

Instead, I took the cards I had been dealt and decided that I was going to fight like a warrior. This is why I never missed any of my appointments and listened diligently to the counsel of my healers. For me, being conscientious paid off. Recently, I saw a quote that said, “It is not the fall that messes you up, it is what you do after the fall.”

During my life I have endured many heartbreaks, professional setbacks and illnesses, and I have tried to not let them define me. Perhaps I was more determined because I knew my support system was not that great. I also knew of people within my family that looked for any reason not be culpable in their own lives.

The fact is they are coddled and given unconditional support so it makes perfect sense for them to milk any hurtful situation for all its worth. My beau was my whole world and when he could not be there for me I made the decision to be there for myself because in the end game that is the only person you can truly count on.

What I know for sure is that my life has been a “get back situation” all the way around. Friends and family used my most vulnerable moments to sock it to me for not fawning all over my birth mother when she chose to go on her hiatuses from life. The truth is most of the time I had to work to make a living.

When my life goes helter skelter my family does not help me put the pieces back together. They will spot me a few bucks but the rest is up to me. However, others in the family will get their unwavering support for whenever they need it and as long as they need it. When it comes to me they act as if I better get with the program pronto even if I am falling apart.

About a year ago I fell twice in one day banging my frontal lobe on the concrete of the street. When it first happened I thought no biggie. I have spent the past year trying to get back to “normal”. I treated myself and saw a few medical providers but even I know time is the greatest healer.

It has taken me many months to get back to my “normal” routine. I must say I am still a work in progress. Nonetheless, I fight like a viking each day to not let the pains and nerve issues get the better part of me. Some people in my family would be down for the count and benefiting from these unfortunate events all day every day. Folks may say, I am not a go-getter, and to a point they may be right. Truthfully, I am a relentless warrior. Go-getting is for light weights.