The old sages will attest that family is both a blessing and a source of constant frustration. Why? Because it is difficult to find large groups of people that agree on anything. In families you will find hatred, toxicity, envy, jealousy and dissension.
Most of the time none of them can tell anyone why they are harboring ill-will against another. Except, if you are from my family one person is usually frying someone’s else’s fat. Meaning, he/she may be taking a slight committed against another member and using it as an excuse to get back at you.
This has been my life story. My biological father made a decision to leave a bad marriage and for his decision I have been paying dearly ever since. My family do not realize that it takes two to tango and that every action causes a reaction.
Good relationships do not just implode for no plausible reason. Somewhere along the lines both partners are culpable for the transgression that occurred in the marriage. What I find most interesting about my family is their ability to be generous on a capricious level.
They will be quick to offer you help if they think it is worthwhile for them. At first, they will seem selfless as if they want nothing, then after a bit you will become barraged with hostility and bad feelings. Once you study the situation you will find that there were strings attached all the while.
For instance, when I made the decision to return to New York it was because my adoptive father Mickey, presented the matter to me in very lucrative terms. He made me feel that I could return home to New York, get a job, save my money and then buy into real estate.
I was skittish about returning because I knew Lady Yobs (my adoptive mother’s niece) would be there along with her daughter. I knew the dreadful things that happened in the past with them so I was not feeling as if I wanted to repeat the same old drama episodes.
Those two girls always had negative things to say about me and drummed up a lot of drama in the household unnecessarily. Although Mickey & Minnie were rigid at times and wet blankets, I felt I could deal with them.
The other house guests were a completely different story. Even back then I had an inkling they were trying to overthrow me. Mi Famiglia will reel you in with goodies and just when you think all is fine and dandy the nitpicking, dirty behavior makes its debut.
Why? Because instead of them emoting and saying, “We would love to have you return but here is the deal…You have to pay this percentage in expenses, and this is what is expected of you.” They will make you believe that they are being truly benevolent and then suddenly they are discontented with you.
They believe that as long as you are under their roof, whether you are contributing or not, they feel they can talk to you in any out of order manner or hurtful way. Because you are under their roof they feel you get what you get and should not get upset. It is as if you have relinquished all of your human rights.
My point regarding this issue is, “Why not be forthright from the beginning?” If you tell someone the real deal of how things are going to be, if it is unfavorable to him/her, that person will make a completely different decision no matter how attractive their offer may seem.
Instead they misguide and misrepresent and when you start acting fussy and contankerous they will exclaim that you are making the household or “the group” unhappy. Usually it is they who create the impossible circumstances by not being truthful and transparent from the beginning.
The fact is no one stays anywhere or seeks to be anywhere where he/she is not celebrated, lauded and applauded. My family believes because they extend an olive branch it gives them the right to treat me shabbily without respect, honor, and dignity.
In my situation, where I left my charmed life in Florida to return to chaos, confusion, hostility, indifference and bad behavior it made me feel horrible and sad all the time. My granny used to always tell me that you do not invite people to your home to treat them “less than”, or disdainfully.
Yet, as I matriculated back into New York Life everyday was a quagmire and landmine that I had to gingerly navigate just to keep the peace. The thing is I also wondered what was wrong with me? Had I bounced my head somewhere and forgotten how dreadful they were to me as a teenager? I wondered why was I so willing to throw caution to the wind and give them a second chance.
They showed me who they were and what they were capable of and still I chose to believe in a fairy tale ending. I must have been inhaling too much noxious fumes to second guess myself like that. Up until now I have always been smart enough to know that once burned by others it is best just to try a new path.
In my case it was family, and although I wanted to believe that the dysfunction no longer existed it was very much there lurking like a creepy nemesis. The sad part is that my family truly believes it is ethical and appropriate to mistreat people simply because they are under their roof.
They are proud of the fact that you don’t have to do anything to tick them off to earn their bad behavior. For me this is a deal breaker because we are all adults and if for one second you feel that the deal may go sour then you need to put all your cards on the table and refrain from playing childish mind games.
There is no reward to be gained by toying with people’s futures. When you mislead someone into making a not so stellar decision you are actually taking him/her off course from their destiny. This is an egregious sin.
To add insult to injury, when the other party finds out you are more tolerable to known irritating persons then one comes to the conclusion that he/she is being played for a fool. Let’s be honest, no one stays anywhere long term that he/she is not being made to feel appreciated or lauded.
So even though Mickey was always complaining about Minnie’s relatives, they still continued to come around and stayed as long as they wanted because after all, they had found Disneyland, New York where they could do as they pleased.
It was just me they had a problem with all day everyday. Most of the times I was not even home. They liked the idea of me being around because my honey presence often brought around good times, prosperity and merry-making.
Once the novelty wore off it was “Sayonara Sweetie” and “Bon Voyage Bitch”. In Jamaica they have a saying that goes, “See me and cum live wid me are two different tings.” I am mortified to know that my very own family is the epitome of this old time phrase.
It means you see people or even know people and think they are nice, but once you get a close-up look at them you realize they are full of shite, tricks and games.
They like you just fine from a distance where you are earning handsomely, shining, smiling and sending accolades to the family through osmosis. Anything beyond that is too burdensome, tiresome, and bothersome to deal with.
Fighting For My Life Memoir 